Subject: All the best to CCL members from the CCL maintainers

From: Jan Labanowski <[email-masked]>
Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 02:15:24 -0500 (EST)

Dear CCL,

Have a lot of fun during this Holiday season. Get some rest... 
Do not drink and drive... Enjoy your family... 
And all the best in the coming year.

Jan Labanowski, and the CCL Team.

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                "BOAS FESTAS"                                                 !
                "JOYEUX  NOEL"            \ /                      *          !
               "VESELE VANOCE"           --O--                    XXX         !
              "MELE KALIKIMAKE"           / \                   "HOME"        !
             "NODLAG SONA DHUIT"                               "PEACE."       !
            "BLWYDDYN NEWYDD DDA"                            "BON NADAL."     !
                  "GOD  JUL"                               "BOLDOG UJ EVET"   !
                 "BUON  ANNO"        \ /                  "CHANUKAH SAMEACH"  !
   \ /          "FELIZ  NATAL"      --O--                     "DOSIEGO!"      !
  --O--       "FELIZ NAVIDAD"        / \                   "HAPPY HANUKKAH"   !
   / \       "KALA CHRISTOUGENA"                          "PARI  ARTSAGOURT"  !
            "VROLIJK  KERSTFEEST"                        "KELLEMES UNNEPEKET" !
           "FROEHLICHE WEIHNACHTEN"                    "NAYA VARSH SHUBH HO"  !
          "BUON  NATALE-GODT NYTAR"                   "ATHBHLIAIN FAOI MHAISE !
         "HUAN YING SHENG TAN CHIEH"                "IYI YILLAR-HYVAEAE LOMAA !
        "WESOLYCH SWIAT-SRETAN BOZIC"       \ /             "NA  ZDOROVE"     !
       "MOADIM LESIMHA-LINKSMU KALEDU"     --O--          "MERRY CHRISTMAS"   !
      "HAUSKAA JOULUA-AID SAID MOUBARK"     / \          "FELICHAN JARFINON"  !
           "'N  PRETTIG  KERSTMIS"                      "#-SHUB NAYA BARAS-@" !
          "ONNELLISTA UUTTA VUOTTA"      !            "INPAKARAMAANA VIDUMURAI!
         "Z ROZHDESTYOM  KHRYSTOVYM"    >+<          "STASTNY NOVY ROK-CHEERS!!
        "NADOLIG LLAWEN-GOTT NYTTSAR"    !          "CHING CHI SHEN TAN-@@@@@!!
      "CRACIUN FERICIT-GOJAN KRISTNASKON"                  ***  **!!          !
      "S  NOVYM  GODOM-FELIZ ANO NUEVO"          .-'-.  mmmmmm  !!!!          !
     "GLEDILEG JOL-NOELINIZ KUTLU OLSUM"      .-' .-. '-.!  !   xxxx          !
    "EEN GELUKKIG NIEUWJAAR-SRETAN BOSIC"  .-' .-'   '-. '-.!    .            !
   "KRIHSTLINDJA GEZUAR-KALA CHRISTOUGENA"  .-'         '-. '-.               !
  "SELAMAT HARI NATAL - LAHNINGU NAJU METU"'               '-. '-.            !
       "SARBATORI FERICITE-BUON  ANNO"   !   ___________     !-..!-           !
      "ZORIONEKO GABON-HRISTOS SE RODI"  !   !__o_!__!__!    !                !
     "BOLDOG KARACSONNY- VESELE  VANOCE" !   !_ooo!__@__!    !                !
    "MERRY CHRISTMAS**JOY**HAPPY NEW YEAR"   !ooooo__#__!    !      (\_/)-=)) !
   "ROOMSAID JOULU PUHI -KUNG HO SHENG TEN"     .            !     =('.')=//  !
  "FELICES PASUAS-EIN GLUCKICHES  NEUEJAHR*.-.-' -.._________!     ( ~~~ )/   !
"PRIECIGUS ZIEMAN SVETKUS  SARBATORI VESLLE"            '-.-''-..  `w---w`    !
"BONNE ANNEE-BLWYDDYN NEWYDD DDA*FELIZ NATAL"                     '-....      !
SHENORAVOR SOORP TSENOONT,SHENORAVOR NOR DARI"                                !
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So here we come again... Another year has passed... This one is supposed
to be special since odometers change from 1999 to 2000 and it can produce
a lot of problems. I hope, you already bought few submachine guns, a ton
of canned food, filled up a big container with water, and checked if the walls
of your anti-nuclear shelter are thick enough and your filtering system works.
While some say that drinking urine is very healthy, I am not in health foods
yet, so I will not tell you...

I do not want to get into the argument on the "End of millennium" thing, since
it depends on which programming language you use. I use both... If you are
a FORTRAN programmer, you count from 1, and the millennium ends on midnight of
Dec. 31, 00. If you are a C (or Java) geek, your millennium is about to end.
So... Which are you? And do not dare to step out of your line and do not bring
religion into it {:-)}.

I am in a special environment, which is much different that the
environment of the typical academic department. We are more like
industrial setting since we do service and contracts. I probably see things
>from a different perspective. But looking at the "University in Transition"
I will offer the following JOKE for those with enough endurance to read
through. I hope, you will have some fun, and you understand that it is not
my official position, but something to cheer you up. Please do not
discuss it on the list, and just junk it when finished. It is not worth
commenting. PLEASE...

In any case, from my perspective, the signs of millennium ending are
everywhere. No... I do not mean the "End of the world" stuff, since it
would be too easy... The believers, and nonbelievers agree that we do not
know the day and time... What I actually mean is the "End of the world as we
know it" thing, and the decadence of "fin du siecle" around. The consumerism
is everywhere and the notion of GOOD and BAD does not exist anymore.
(O tempora! O mores!...). It was replaced by: "Can they sue me or not?". 
The science and arts for the mortals are not about the quest for truth
anymore. They are the quest for money. Some think that when they get the
money, they can catch some air and do some science. Wrong... It is time
to write another proposal, so you can make sure that you will have 
money to support your group when you are writing your next grant proposal.

Occasionally my local newspaper does a "Local-Rising-Science-Star" piece
(They have this Distinguished Scholar thing in Ohio and "Public-Scrutiny"
requires that the "Public-is-informed" where the money goes). The actual
topic of research is usually a one-liner. The success is measured (and the
position endowment justified) solely on the basis of "How much money he/she
brought". Occasionally the size of his/her group is brought up (the bigger
the better, of course...). 

I wonder, why not simplify the landscape and introduce the "Buy the
Professorship" program (Or "Rent-To-Own-The-Professorship", for the middle
class)? [I admit, I am inspired by the spam which I get regularly about
Prestigious University Dyplomas -- No courses or exams needed.].
Some wealthy people could be interested (we see examples all over the world
that some want/ed to be presidents, some may want to be professors), and the
revenues would pay for those misfits who do not bring enough overhead,
but try to publish some stupid papers which people will understand 20
years from now. [Do not worry, peer-review works, reviewers will not let
this garbage through. It is a pity that they did not have reviewers in
the Renaiasance -- ww would fill better believing that we are the center
of the Universe]. The program could even pay for these "economically impaired"
access to a phone, copy machine, Internet, and the stock room. We all want to
preserve the security of the tenure, since we can only be productive for so
long, and since teaching is not important and considered degrading, we need
a solution. During the transition phase, the program could even require a few
research papers to be published as a condition. With the overall quality of
research publications, postdocs or brighter grad students could crank them
in spare time for a small fee (or, alternatively, Universities could expand
existing "Hire-The-Scientist" programs to cover these particular needs. For
example: "We-Read-What-We-Write" or "Pay-securely-for-your-paper-with-a-credit-
card-over-the-Internet2.-Satisfaction-guaranteed.-Our-Professors-are-Editors-
You-Know...", ).

There is a problem with grad students and postdocs writing papers in the US,
at least. They do not speak English. The bright kids who are born in US
know that science is not a career, and they try professional degrees (lawyers,
dentists, MBA's, etc.) or they start Macro$ofts. Unfortunately, in some less
forward thinking cultures, the kids are misguided and dream about being
a scientist. They read a lot of propaganda books on discovering new things,
about constant struggle to find the secrets of the nature, etc., and they
think it is similar to playing "Command and Conquer" or "Pokeman". Their
professors tell them: "If you like your job, you do not have to go to work
anymore... To be a scientist you need a call from within... It is like
entering the convent... Yes, you can... Do or do not -- There is no try".
Those cynical swine do that since they need grad students to do their work,
and this is unfair.

We as a community should fight these myths. Younger generation needs to be
told the truth that the humanity is overloaded with all this new stuff and
"we do not need no scientists no more". If you really have this call from
within, you better sell it under the right label. There is no basic science
anymore. And it should not be... One could by mistake discover another bomb.
Or something really usefull and forget to patent it (which would result in
extermination by the Intelectual Property Squad at your Alma Mater).
Sell what they buy. What sells is: "save life", "save money", and "be happy".
So, if you want the politicians to give money for your research try to
put at least right titles on your papers. For example: "Organic ferromagnets
will not scratch your refrigerator", "Muonic atoms will give you more matter
for the money", "Computational Chemistry is cheaper and more reliable than
psychics in predicting properties", or "Electronic structure of N20 reveals
the secret of happiness". Remember, your work is paid by the taxpayer,
and the taxpayer elects the politicians who (which?) give you money.
And the politicians, to be elected, have to make taxpayer confident that they
will bring good things to light. So help them, and they will help you.
Give them "success stories", "tremendous savings", "competitive edge", 
and "future now". Do not worry if they say that they discovered this.
You did not expect that politicians tell the truth in the first place, did you?
The notion that science costs is passe. Use the term "good investment".
Science saves money and creates wealth. It brings the "returns on investment"
and "buys ticket to the future for our children". When they ask you why you
have only foreign grad students and postdocs, do not answer that there ain't
any Americans (for example) available -- you would undercat your support base.
Tell them that you use foreign talent to foster national goals. They do not
understand that it means that our grandchildren will have to go abroad to
attend a decent university. But we will be dead by that time, so who cares...

To circumvent the fact that the "grant/peer-review" system forces us to
do contracts rather than try new things, we usually propose stuff which
is already done, and when/if we get money, we use these funds to develop stuff
which will be proposed in the future. [BTW, did you send the Greeting
Card to your friend on the Study Section? -- Note: e-mail does not work,
the spammers took over and you need to be more oldfashioned -- a phone call
will do too, or try to attend his/her talk]. Of course, we cannot talk about
stuff which is not yet published, since someone can propose this. At the same
time, we cannot publish the stuff before we apply for the money to do it. But
we also want to make everybody aware that we were the first. I see a way out
of this with the publishers. They should provide the deposit service.
We would simply send the paper with the annotation: "Review after YYYY.MM.DD",
and then, when paper is finally published, instead of traditional "received"
and  "accepted" dates, we would have: "deposited", "received", "accepted".
Of course, the publishers should allow for extension of "Review after" date,
so, when we fail to receive funds to develop the the stuff which is reported
in the paper, we can always reapply, and push the review date.

While I could go forever like this, I better save the bandwidth. 
I hope you smiled at least once...